I've been under a lot of stress lately, if you couldn't tell in my blogs.
Lately, I've been thinking. That's never a good thing, I guess. Thinking leads to worrying, and then it's all downhill from there. :P
I haven't realized how lonely I've gotten lately. Sure, it's one thing to have ppl to hang out with and have fun with...it's another to have someone to confide in and share secrets with. The problem is, I don't trust ppl to easily. And the ones I do trust, well...that doesn't work out all the time.
I'm sure no one even reads this, so I don't mind baring a part of my soul on it.
I never was a girl's girl. My first best friend was my neighbor across the street, Joseph. We played Ghostbusters together. Then I moved. I played Ninja Turtles with A&G, but they were kids, in my opnion. Like brothers, or cousins. Then Scott, I told him so much. We made plans for HS together, beat up the neighborhood bullies together, flew kites together. Then we drifted apart, which is what always happens when you grow up...boys have to play with boys, girls have to find girls to congregate and gossip with.
When I was in 8th grade, Scott hung himself from his ceiling fan. There was no note. He had gone around to us, the ppl he was closest to, and said good-bye...but we didn't get it. My neighbors tried to resuscitate him, I watched them load the amublance. The ambulance pulled away without the sirens on...I didn't get it.
The next day in school, I thought it was going to be okay. Then I started to overhear conversation in the hall...did you hear? I can't believe he's gone...and the tears. I finally accepted it. I had no one to turn to, though...my mom tried to make me feel better, but my family is asian. I couldn't confide in them, worry them any more than I did already. My sister was the only person I really trusted, and we didn't always get along like the angels my mom wanted us to be.
I cried for a week. Just spontaneously started crying. Then I got angry...I got angry at him, I got angry at myself, so angry. I've never really been able to talk about it...I think that's when I started changing. I grew up infinitely on June 3, 1998. Black became my color of choice, sarcasm became my tone of voice, bitterness and cynicism my favorite emotion. The only ppl I loved were my family, b/c I trusted them.
Anyway, after that, I didn't have many friends for awhile. Trust was hard. It still is hard. I try now, I really try. I still love black, I rever in it...I don't know why. But I make an effort to be a person that is happy with themself and the world around them. It's just so hard sometimes, it's so easy to forgive other ppl, but almost impossible to forgive yourself.
That afternoon, Scott and I had talked over the fence in our backyards. For an hour. He told me all about high school, we talked about when we used to hang out all the time. There's always the what-ifs. What if I knew? What if someone could have stopped him? I hate what-ifs...
I guess I've been thinking about this lately b/c of the recent tragedies that have happened to myself and the ppl around me. It's hard, so hard, to move on with these things. I'm still haunted by what I saw from the street, up in Scott's bedroom window. I still shiver when I remember crying with his sister, going over to their house, the neighborhood gatherings without him. I see images of my friends, at the funerals I did and did not get to attend...the car accidents, the hospital rooms...
He was supposed to drive me to school. I was going to play and sing at his graduation. He was going to tell me all about college, like he told me about high school.
But he was selfish. It was too easy. And I'll never know the answers to all of my questions until I get to see him again.
If this is a part of growing up, I wish I could be a kid again. I wish I had someone to turn to again. I'm tired of being forced to bottle things inside. Now, the only way I can really feel better is if I write in my journal or blog. It's just better that way sometimes, since not many ppl care to read this anyway.
Rest in Peace, Scott. Until I see you again...you have some questions to answer.
Lately, I've been thinking. That's never a good thing, I guess. Thinking leads to worrying, and then it's all downhill from there. :P
I haven't realized how lonely I've gotten lately. Sure, it's one thing to have ppl to hang out with and have fun with...it's another to have someone to confide in and share secrets with. The problem is, I don't trust ppl to easily. And the ones I do trust, well...that doesn't work out all the time.
I'm sure no one even reads this, so I don't mind baring a part of my soul on it.
I never was a girl's girl. My first best friend was my neighbor across the street, Joseph. We played Ghostbusters together. Then I moved. I played Ninja Turtles with A&G, but they were kids, in my opnion. Like brothers, or cousins. Then Scott, I told him so much. We made plans for HS together, beat up the neighborhood bullies together, flew kites together. Then we drifted apart, which is what always happens when you grow up...boys have to play with boys, girls have to find girls to congregate and gossip with.
When I was in 8th grade, Scott hung himself from his ceiling fan. There was no note. He had gone around to us, the ppl he was closest to, and said good-bye...but we didn't get it. My neighbors tried to resuscitate him, I watched them load the amublance. The ambulance pulled away without the sirens on...I didn't get it.
The next day in school, I thought it was going to be okay. Then I started to overhear conversation in the hall...did you hear? I can't believe he's gone...and the tears. I finally accepted it. I had no one to turn to, though...my mom tried to make me feel better, but my family is asian. I couldn't confide in them, worry them any more than I did already. My sister was the only person I really trusted, and we didn't always get along like the angels my mom wanted us to be.
I cried for a week. Just spontaneously started crying. Then I got angry...I got angry at him, I got angry at myself, so angry. I've never really been able to talk about it...I think that's when I started changing. I grew up infinitely on June 3, 1998. Black became my color of choice, sarcasm became my tone of voice, bitterness and cynicism my favorite emotion. The only ppl I loved were my family, b/c I trusted them.
Anyway, after that, I didn't have many friends for awhile. Trust was hard. It still is hard. I try now, I really try. I still love black, I rever in it...I don't know why. But I make an effort to be a person that is happy with themself and the world around them. It's just so hard sometimes, it's so easy to forgive other ppl, but almost impossible to forgive yourself.
That afternoon, Scott and I had talked over the fence in our backyards. For an hour. He told me all about high school, we talked about when we used to hang out all the time. There's always the what-ifs. What if I knew? What if someone could have stopped him? I hate what-ifs...
I guess I've been thinking about this lately b/c of the recent tragedies that have happened to myself and the ppl around me. It's hard, so hard, to move on with these things. I'm still haunted by what I saw from the street, up in Scott's bedroom window. I still shiver when I remember crying with his sister, going over to their house, the neighborhood gatherings without him. I see images of my friends, at the funerals I did and did not get to attend...the car accidents, the hospital rooms...
He was supposed to drive me to school. I was going to play and sing at his graduation. He was going to tell me all about college, like he told me about high school.
But he was selfish. It was too easy. And I'll never know the answers to all of my questions until I get to see him again.
If this is a part of growing up, I wish I could be a kid again. I wish I had someone to turn to again. I'm tired of being forced to bottle things inside. Now, the only way I can really feel better is if I write in my journal or blog. It's just better that way sometimes, since not many ppl care to read this anyway.
Rest in Peace, Scott. Until I see you again...you have some questions to answer.
<< Home