I want to slap a kitten. I feel like such a freakin loser right now. Falling apart...that's what I get for letting myself think. It's that feeling, where you feel like you reached out to someone...and just grabbed empty air. Nothing. And the concept of being alone. The last time I felt so utterly alone was in 8th grade...except then, someone reached out for me and I wasn't there for them. And then everything changed. I desperately long for something I can't name right now...my rock, my shelter.

Rejection. Aka=feeling like a loser. I mean, any form of rejection is bad...but I just feel like I've gotten way too much lately. In band, in school, in family...and now in relationships. All the lil things, the ones that DON'T make you feel good, they add up, as insignificant as some of them may be. And the problem is, life is just really bittersweet right now. It could always be worse...but right now, what I'm going through just sucks, and worse is just something I can't think about.

Okay, so this was a bitch session. Deal. Is it too much, really? Just wanting to be happy...? And being able to share that? I feel like it won't happen. Being able to share my happiness, anyway...I never fell like I did 6 months ago. I can't even explain it. All I know is that I don't feel...whole. It'll take a lot to convince me I didn't do anything wrong...and that it's not my fault. Cuz in the back of my head, I'll always wonder if it was my fault. I think last semester was the happiest I've been for the longest time...

What happened to the days when you could be absolutely happy watching Sesame Street and Saturday morning cartoons?...I miss being that naive and...safe. That nothing can ever hurt you, you're just happy with your life. I miss that. I don't know if you can ever be that content with life as you get older...there is always something THERE...something that makes you discontented. The simplicity of life when you're young is really a wonderful thing...and the thing about falling? It brings you back, closer to that simplicity. Life is just...better.

I've had so many ppl tell me to just go and have fun, find someone else to play with, and rebound. I think I need a time out...I took a hit, I should just sit on the sidelines for awhile...I can't even think about the idea of being out there with anyone else. I guess eventually I'll be able to swallow this lump in my throat, dry my eyes, gather myself together, and go back out there. But for now, I'll sit on the bench and just watch...even though already(!!) I'm having to deal with other players on the field. As for ppl's suggestions...ty for trying to make me feel better, but I think I'll try it my way.

By my way, I mean, I'm not going to take the easier ways out. The easiest would be to block everything that bothers me out...like hating someone for hurting me, ignoring them, or brushing it off. It doesn't work. I tried it. And then, the easiest way, if there was just too much, would be to leave everything behind. S., you did that. I'm not like you. I know what it's like, it hurts. I just can't do that to ppl.

I need to learn to appreciate myself again. Start with the not caring too much what other ppl think and just concentrate on what III think, being myself and happy with the person I am. I miss that, too, as much as I miss him. He made me feel special...but I know I can feel that way on my own, and I'm going to take my time out to build that confidence I know can exist.

As for everyone who left my life, as permanent or slight as it may be...I'll miss what we shared. Thank you for what you gave to me, to help make me who I am. Now it's time to see what I'm made of. S., just watch. You'll see how it's done...blogging really is like some form of twisted therapy, I feel so much better with this just out. As for the ppl who read this...if you've read most of what I say, let me know what you think. I swear I'm not crazy.

Ben, Happy 19th. Sorry I'm not upbeat enough to celebrate it with you (or 3000 miles closer).