I'm so frustrated, I don't know what to do with myself. Screaming seeming like a good option, but that's pretty pointless. Today just seems so pointless...don't get me started with the rest of my life, for that matter. And you, my lovely blog, are the only thing I can truly confide in about such things, since you don't judge me and you don't make me feel any worse than I do sometimes.
I've definitely been re-evaluating my life and how I've changed in the past few years. I've changed so dramatically, and it's obvious as I peruse my old journals and recall the way life was before college.
Junior year was great, to a certain extent. I was happy in everything I was doing, I knew where I stood, and I was confident. Unfortunately for my confidence, I moved here to California. SoCal. If anyone has been down there, you know that the social aspect of it is completely different from what most people, most small town, east-coast people, could be used to. A completely different dynamic where I learned to doubt myself. It was strange having to start over and know that the year following, I would have to do it all over again. Needless to say, I didn't try as hard I should have socially, seeing that I had to fill a few lame California requirements in order to graduate.
My self-esteem became an issue here. I was no longer at the top, only in the top 40, because east coast grading is more difficult, and my 92 (a B over there) still counted as a B here. I missed prom, I missed out on countless opportunities, I got royally screwed over for my senior year and I missed everything on the east coast. Thanks to EVERYONE who thought that it wasn't worth the effort to give the senior a chance, since she was going to graduate in a year anyway. Bitches.
I'm not bitter. Really. ::rolls eyes:: As far as I'm concerned, there was only one good outcome of moving to California: being able to go to Cal. I'm definitely more used to the dynamic that exists at this university, among these people who are more accepting and more open than in SoCal. That having a body like a femme-bot and a wardrobe that must ALWAYS bare a midriff is not a priority. I'm sure this is not typical of ALL of SoCal, but unfortunately, this is what I was exposed to. And I'm just not a fan.
Unfortunately, I'm still trying to come to terms with my life, my emotions, my present, my future. My self-esteem took a shaking in the past few years and I haven't fully regained my confidence, although goodness knows I had it when I first came to college, which is a blessing. Now, I've turned back to my cynical and suspicious side. That's not a pretty side. And that's not a happy side.
Of course, it's also summer, and like every break where I get to contemplate the meaning of life, I get miserable. Only 12 more days and (hopefully) things will be back to normal. Meaning I'll repress my insecurity yet again and be happy until winter break.
Until then, I'm going to re-vamp my outlook on life yet again.
I need a hobby. And a shrink.
I've definitely been re-evaluating my life and how I've changed in the past few years. I've changed so dramatically, and it's obvious as I peruse my old journals and recall the way life was before college.
Junior year was great, to a certain extent. I was happy in everything I was doing, I knew where I stood, and I was confident. Unfortunately for my confidence, I moved here to California. SoCal. If anyone has been down there, you know that the social aspect of it is completely different from what most people, most small town, east-coast people, could be used to. A completely different dynamic where I learned to doubt myself. It was strange having to start over and know that the year following, I would have to do it all over again. Needless to say, I didn't try as hard I should have socially, seeing that I had to fill a few lame California requirements in order to graduate.
My self-esteem became an issue here. I was no longer at the top, only in the top 40, because east coast grading is more difficult, and my 92 (a B over there) still counted as a B here. I missed prom, I missed out on countless opportunities, I got royally screwed over for my senior year and I missed everything on the east coast. Thanks to EVERYONE who thought that it wasn't worth the effort to give the senior a chance, since she was going to graduate in a year anyway. Bitches.
I'm not bitter. Really. ::rolls eyes:: As far as I'm concerned, there was only one good outcome of moving to California: being able to go to Cal. I'm definitely more used to the dynamic that exists at this university, among these people who are more accepting and more open than in SoCal. That having a body like a femme-bot and a wardrobe that must ALWAYS bare a midriff is not a priority. I'm sure this is not typical of ALL of SoCal, but unfortunately, this is what I was exposed to. And I'm just not a fan.
Unfortunately, I'm still trying to come to terms with my life, my emotions, my present, my future. My self-esteem took a shaking in the past few years and I haven't fully regained my confidence, although goodness knows I had it when I first came to college, which is a blessing. Now, I've turned back to my cynical and suspicious side. That's not a pretty side. And that's not a happy side.
Of course, it's also summer, and like every break where I get to contemplate the meaning of life, I get miserable. Only 12 more days and (hopefully) things will be back to normal. Meaning I'll repress my insecurity yet again and be happy until winter break.
Until then, I'm going to re-vamp my outlook on life yet again.
I need a hobby. And a shrink.
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