Okay, no longer high from the bubble stuff. Yeah late-nite blogs...tend to be way more insightful.
Cancer. It finally hit. My grandmother has breast cancer, and it scares me more than I think I'm willing to admit. ...and now the chance that I, or my sisters, might have it goes up, too. I mean, how do you deal with that. Before, if one person was sick...it was that one person. Now I have to worry about a lot more...and I'm a worrier. I admit, I'm not really good at dealing with illness close to me sometimes. My uncle...my grandmother...my dad...my dog. I'm so thankful that Lan is healthy now...I guess I hate feeling helpless. My dad is worried, and it's not good for his health to worry. And commute. And there's nothing I can do. I can't do anything to make it all go away, and I'm one of those ppl who like to be able to fix things. There's nothing I can do that will make it go away...no magical kiss to heal the booboos. And I hate that.
Like the one thing that haunts me, even now. What if. What if I could have made it better? What if I knew, and could have had that magical kiss that could have made him feel better? Would he still be here? I think that after June 3rd, 1998, I knew just how helpless I could feel. I was the last person outside of his family to see him and talk to him...and I didn't know. He even said good-bye and I didn't realize it. What if. I could have, should have noticed. I think for awhile, I blamed myself. But I was only 14. And then the ppl around me. I couldn't make anyone else's pain any less. I couldn't even make my own pain lesser. I felt so utterly...lost. And scared.
I think that's what I hate most. Fear. Fear of death. Not my death. Other ppl's. I know that when I die, I won't suffer any more. It's the ppl who I would leave behind that would hurt. I don't want to lose any more ppl. I just want to keep them close to me...please. And it's scary, being at college. I'm alone, for the first time in my life, and not only that, there's nothing I can do for my family at home. All I can do is make sure they don't have any reason to worry about me. Makes me wish I were closer...I worry a lot. About my dad. And my dog. And I know I should worry more about myself...but it's hard. I never was any good at that, hehe...
You can ask my mom. I've always worried way too much. I wouldn't be surprised if my blood pressure goes through the roof when I'm older. I used to yell at my sister when I was 2 and was crawling...whenever she got near an electric socket. Didn't matter if it was baby-proofed. I yelled. As much as she annoys me now, and Mai too...yeah I worry. Especially since I'm not around. Must be big-sister syndrome. I got it bad, argh. I feel so...disconnected now, too. I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing. I'm now the last to find out anything about my family. And I still worry. Maybe a lil' more about myself now, but still.
Grrr. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should go back to playing with those bubbles.
Cancer. It finally hit. My grandmother has breast cancer, and it scares me more than I think I'm willing to admit. ...and now the chance that I, or my sisters, might have it goes up, too. I mean, how do you deal with that. Before, if one person was sick...it was that one person. Now I have to worry about a lot more...and I'm a worrier. I admit, I'm not really good at dealing with illness close to me sometimes. My uncle...my grandmother...my dad...my dog. I'm so thankful that Lan is healthy now...I guess I hate feeling helpless. My dad is worried, and it's not good for his health to worry. And commute. And there's nothing I can do. I can't do anything to make it all go away, and I'm one of those ppl who like to be able to fix things. There's nothing I can do that will make it go away...no magical kiss to heal the booboos. And I hate that.
Like the one thing that haunts me, even now. What if. What if I could have made it better? What if I knew, and could have had that magical kiss that could have made him feel better? Would he still be here? I think that after June 3rd, 1998, I knew just how helpless I could feel. I was the last person outside of his family to see him and talk to him...and I didn't know. He even said good-bye and I didn't realize it. What if. I could have, should have noticed. I think for awhile, I blamed myself. But I was only 14. And then the ppl around me. I couldn't make anyone else's pain any less. I couldn't even make my own pain lesser. I felt so utterly...lost. And scared.
I think that's what I hate most. Fear. Fear of death. Not my death. Other ppl's. I know that when I die, I won't suffer any more. It's the ppl who I would leave behind that would hurt. I don't want to lose any more ppl. I just want to keep them close to me...please. And it's scary, being at college. I'm alone, for the first time in my life, and not only that, there's nothing I can do for my family at home. All I can do is make sure they don't have any reason to worry about me. Makes me wish I were closer...I worry a lot. About my dad. And my dog. And I know I should worry more about myself...but it's hard. I never was any good at that, hehe...
You can ask my mom. I've always worried way too much. I wouldn't be surprised if my blood pressure goes through the roof when I'm older. I used to yell at my sister when I was 2 and was crawling...whenever she got near an electric socket. Didn't matter if it was baby-proofed. I yelled. As much as she annoys me now, and Mai too...yeah I worry. Especially since I'm not around. Must be big-sister syndrome. I got it bad, argh. I feel so...disconnected now, too. I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing. I'm now the last to find out anything about my family. And I still worry. Maybe a lil' more about myself now, but still.
Grrr. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should go back to playing with those bubbles.
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